Bintay Hamza

★

To H.

you’re blue and then you’re green, a scary something in between; constant neck pain from looking up at you, always a commoner gazing at the queen. failed you repeatedly, defensive when you demand, messing up each time, held up in remand; you’re too fast, and im left behind, you’re the guide, and i’m the tourist whos blind. a deep rooted tree, strong and ancient,

warmth branching out, a shelter during the thunderstorms,

drowning and to you i shout. drenched in fierceness, generous,

unmoving, feet firm into the ground, afraid i’ll search for you

even after our paths get unwound. so many friendships, but what good are they when i can’t even be a better person to make you stay.

//11th march

warmth branching out, a shelter during the thunderstorms,

drowning and to you i shout. drenched in fierceness, generous,

unmoving, feet firm into the ground, afraid i’ll search for you

even after our paths get unwound. so many friendships, but what good are they when i can’t even be a better person to make you stay.

//11th march

★

TO H.

★

★

I wanted to be busy, but guess that backfired

Feared the free time, then why do i feel so unsure

now that I've gotten what i desired Surrounded myself in events and classes,

currently drownings in lists upon lists

Finding my way through with dark circles,

sleepless nights, sore throat & clenched fists An endless cycle of forced productivity but what worth is it

If everything I'm trying to run away from

still finds me when the world quietens for a bit The thoughts cloud me again, voices rising inside of me

Was i ever really free, will i ever be saved from these fantasies I like to think those are just phases,

shouldn't let a few minutes or hours or days

or weeks or years decide my fate

But we all know i like to hide

& when i say i hate having nothing to do,

i mean I use my tasks as distractions to sedate Manipulating myself that maybe if I'm too tired

& have tangible things to stress about,

the mumblings will eventually shush themselves away

But i guess i forget things don't mend

until you face the damage, rebuild the wreckage

or bury them deep to let it gracefully decay Till then tho, guess I'll continue dying with it

& ruin myself in ways you wouldn't believe i knew

If I'm the villain in this story,

i guess the audience demands i be the hero too //21st sept

Phases

★

I wanted to be busy, but guess that backfired

Feared the free time, then why do i feel so unsure

now that I've gotten what i desired Surrounded myself in events and classes,

currently drowning in lists upon lists

Finding my way through with dark circles, sleepless nights,

sore throat and clenched fists An endless cycle of forced productivity but what worth is it

If everything I'm trying to run away from

still finds me when the world quietens for a bit The thoughts cloud me again, voices rising inside of me

Was i ever really free, will i ever be saved from these fantasies I like to think those are just phases, shouldn't let a few minutes or hours or days or weeks or years decide my fate

But we all know i like to hide and when i say i hate having nothing to do, i mean I use my tasks as distractions to sedate Manipulating myself that maybe if I'm too tired and have tangible things to stress about, the mumblings will eventually shush themselves away

But i guess i forget things don't mend until you face the damage, rebuild the wreckage or bury them deep to let it gracefully decay Till then tho, guess I'll continue dying with it and ruin myself in ways you wouldn't believe i knew

If I'm the villain in this story, i guess the audience demands i be the hero too //21st sept

★

Phases

★

Fa Inni Qareeb

★

All my rights feel wrong, all these wins yet i feel lost Used to be around the front, now I'm lagging behind Realizing everything in life maybe comes at a cost I need a plan, im losing my mind Dont know what to write,

forcing myself to put words out here In hopes the jumble in my head

will detangle itself once i lay it bare Everyones losing till they reach the finish line No one wins if they keep looking behind But i looked too much till i was the only one there Now im stuck at the back, everyones far ahead,

no one near Except Allah taala is Because Fa inni qareeb

Socialising irl so there's little energy left for those

on this virtual space

Vanishing acts are tempting, gradually fading away

with a vintage black leather briefcase Whiteboard covered in goals, timetable stuck to

the fridge, lemonade runs, and avoiding a certain

chain of thought ke black holes

I threw away caie venue letters aaj,

having flashbacks to scribbling on colourful sticky

notes for socio while re-watching trolls The world map now taped inside the closet door,

softboard awaiting it's decor,

new grey curtains reaching the floor

2 steps forward and 1 step behind,

got new bracelets and chooriyan,

repeating the term

filler episodes

in my mind,

amused at the fact that life is anything but a bore Pink skies at sunrise, chiryaon ko khaana daalna,

the scared and jumpy kittens now slightly grown

Thori si thand has somewhat begun, hoodies

restless to be used, the forgotten shuttlecocks

lying on neighbours roof that got galti se thrown Bag covered in keychains, drawing stars on my

hand, with mehndi & ball pens, wearing baseball

caps inside

Hearing Zaid call me anina khala,

tracing Wardan's handprints,

& rocking baby M everytime bro cried This poem doesn't end, and it never will cause

i've learnt that highs & lows are a package deal

Where there's confusion, anxiety and hopelessness,

at the end, it's your decision whatever you choose to feel

//25th sept

★

Filler Episodes

★

Fa Inni Qareeb

forcing myself to put words out here In hopes the jumble in my head

no one near Except Allah taala is Because Fa inni qareeb

Filler Episodes

Glitter on my hands,

sticker residue on my finger tips

A new journal wide open, covered in scraps

of a shushed childhood, late night park trips Animated movies on a slow afternoon,

cross stitching icons, pinterest for pattern

inspiration open on split screen

Screenshoting my favourite scenes,

in awe of the graphics, snack breaks in between Getting excited to work on crafts, missing school

science fair projects, the messiness of a night

spent awake making wonders

Experimenting with fonts, colour schemes and grids,

the laptop light stinging my focused eyes,

grinning at the waqtan fawaqtan blunders Going through all the old cards and letters,

reminiscent of the infinite memories, thinking

of all the people i should probably reach out to

The cringe dad jokes, nicknames, serious

conversations and the not so serious ones,

wondering if they remember things the way i do Giggling between classes, school, college,

volunteer meetings and camps—

everything ends & then everything begins,

not sure if i should feel happy or filled with grief

Grateful for all the time though & for the moments

that felt endless, but there's something alluring

about silence because in it too there's a guilty relief Hiding away when everything gets overwhelming,

or maybe just trying to live away from the screen

Notifications no less than a jumpscare, but smiling

when someone tags me, rija ke sticker spams

in dms, no less than a crime scene Less than 4 hours of sleep, skipping nashta,

badminton with siblings, & a new found (and much

needed) addiction of chai keeping me awake

Pointing out airplanes mid game, writing rhymes

after midnight, realising kaam abhi rehtay mid break (Someone tell ammi i do have a routine, it's just

lowkey terrible, but what fun would be there

if there was nothing at stake) Socialising irl so there's little energy left for those